


Stay with me (I'm sick of the shameful)

by Bensoloscalligraphyset



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket (Anime 2001), Fruits Basket (Anime 2019), Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Fluff without Plot, Gen, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:29:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22038583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bensoloscalligraphyset/pseuds/Bensoloscalligraphyset
Summary: Kyo reflects on the inexplicable draw that keeps bringing Tohru close to him, and gives into it for single, reverent moment.
Relationships: Honda Tohru/Sohma Kyou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 119





	Stay with me (I'm sick of the shameful)

Tohru's hands were so small. So delicate and pale. As soon as she was in the same room with him, immediately, his eyes would dart down to them if he didn't suppress the urge. _Don't look at them_ , he would tell himself. _Don't look. Those hands are not for you. No monster deserves a soft touch from those perfect hands._

Despite his effort, he often would look, anyways. Sometimes, the pull was so strong and his monstrous sense of self was so quiet, that he would find his hand closing around hers. Without conscious thought, it moved on its own. Those heavenly moments when their hands touched, oh, what a soft, warm bliss. Peace would wash over him. A small gasp would escape her lips sometimes when their hands touched, and it took every ounce of restraint not to move closer to her. Not to pass his fingertip over those lips. Not to...

But the voice in the back of his head would return quickly, with its black words. It was like a knife slicing through his abdomen, plunged deep into his stomach and then dragged slowly, painfully, up to his chest where it remained embedded, restricting his breathing. _You are not worthy of her touch. You are lower than dirt. You are sullying her with that filthy hand,_ it would tell him. A familiar, cold voice that cut him to the core. Then, undoubtedly, he would withdraw the offending hand, feeling his cheeks flush with shame at the audacity of his unconscious action. When it came to Tohru, he knew that his body would always betray him if that voice did not intervene first. Her pull was too strong, and he didn’t have the will to fight it.

If they were washing dishes together, they would continue in silence for a while. If they were walking together, Kyo would look up at the trees or out at the street. Tohru’s thoughts were a mystery, but Kyo’s mind would be full of the ringing echoes of that chilling voice, the one that would remind him that he was never worthy of love and never would be. 

Once, this routine was interrupted. 

* * *

The two were sitting in Shigure's living room, alone. Shigure was off bothering Hatori and Yuki had been dragged along by Ayame. It had been a tough few days for Kyo, it was around the anniversary of his mother's death. The whole month was shot in his eyes, but as the date neared, he would withdraw more than usual. 

Tohru was worried. He could tell because he'd notice her looking at him intently, trying to work out the puzzle hidden behind his eyes. 

And now they were alone. Tohru had made some excuse about not joining the others because of schoolwork, but they both knew that the real reason she'd stayed was to keep Kyo company. 

They sat near the porch door on the floor. Side by side, with their backs to the doorway. Neither was sure exactly how they'd ended up here, but the door was cracked and the outside world peeked in on the two of them ever so slightly. Just enough that if someone were to walk by, they might intrude and break their reverie. It was quiet, but not an oppressive quiet. It was a comfortable silence, the type one could encounter just before a sunrise, when nobody was out of bed just yet. 

His hand found its way to hers… because of course it did. Kyo had began to accept that that's just what his hand _did_ now. He relished that moment for all it was worth, inhaling deeply-- greedily sucking in the sense of peace that wrapped around him like a warm embrace. Exhaling, his eyelids slipped shut as he focused on the feeling of her tiny hand inside of his.

Right on schedule, the voice cut through the glowing silence that cocooned them. This time it was more intense than usual, making sure that he knew how terrible he was for enjoying this so much. His breathing shallowed, his eyes flicked open, and he quickly withdrew his left hand as if Tohru's had burned him. 

She watched him closely with a furrowed brow. He cradled his hand to his chest and his eyes were lowered in shame. 

"It's ok, you know," Tohru whispered as she scooted closer to him. 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kyo snapped back defensively, leaning away from her in alarm. 

Tohru's face melted into a soft smile, despite his harshness. She’d spent long enough studying him to know that it was his way of defending himself. Protecting the little boy he’d used to be, the one who felt so lonely and vulnerable and afraid.

"I don't mind when you hold my hand," she said, holding hers out to him reassuringly. The same one that had burned him moments before. 

Kyo stared at it. He couldn't look away. No way could he bear to meet her eyes. And any words he could have thought of would have died in his throat. 

The cold voice had quieted to whisper now, but it still told him that he was not worthy of her touch. Kyo’s hand lowered but did not reach out to hers. Staring intently at his own knees, the floor, anything but her. 

But then her hand rested on top of his. Her palm on the top of his hand, pushing warmth through to him. The cold voice was utterly silenced. 

"Kyo," she said a little louder than a whisper.

He looked up at her, his eyes wide, looking slightly panicked and flushed, as his heart hammered hotly in his ears. Their gazes met and she smiled so wide that her eyes wrinkled. 

"I like it when you hold my hand. It makes me happy! Please don't stop."

With this words, the cruel voice in his head were silenced. He felt only a blankness, a clean feeling. It reminded him of the feeling you get when you take one last walkthrough of an empty house that used to be yours. The floor swept clean and the walls completely uninterrupted. All of your belongings are packed up in a van, and you are alone in the emptiest room. And you're about to leave it forever. Because there's a new home waiting for you. 

Kyo flipped his hand over so their hands lay palm to palm. He allowed his fingers to slip between hers and gave her hand a little squeeze.

"Okay," he said quietly, his heartbeat calming and his breathing slowing again. "I can do that."

And so they sat side by side and hand in hand, allowing each other time, silence, and soothing. 

Somehow, Kyo knew that the voice in his head wasn't gone for good. But, it was gone for now-- and he was holding Tohru's hand, feeling warmth wash over him, without any fear. This moment was more than anything he'd ever dared to wish for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Haley (@stardustspell) on twitter for the beta! You are amazing! 
> 
> Take a look at [this art I commissioned ](https://twitter.com/MISOBOWL/status/1179852479766224896) of this oneshot because I am self-indulgent like that ♥


End file.
